Our children
should know the facts. Once the facts of life are taught,
it is possible for our children to make moral judgments appropriate
to their level of intellectual and cultural development. We
should be proud to teach our children the legacy of our history
and cultural background and the discipline involved in making
analytical judgments and understanding of social values and
morality. We must teach our children that some useful standard
of morality exist in our cultural practices and we need to
understand that the superior virtue of our own social and
cultural values should be respected and appreciated by our
children. Really knowing the facts of life helps a lot, but
it is not enough; patience and diligence in exercising judgment
are also required. Knowing the facts, exercising moral judgments,
and making the distinctions between wrong and right are all
important in life; but even our best efforts to communicate
with our children will not eliminate our fears, create perfect
security, or enable us to perfectly predict the future welfare
of our children. It is good to hope for the best and work
toward our good intentions and desires, but at the same time
we must be aware and be realistic about many other factors
which may abide and influence our children in their upbringings.
There is a huge
difference between living in fear and living with fear about
the uncertainty of the future well-being of our children.
If we succumb to living in fear, then our normal way of life
will be distorted and become unpleasant. But, if we live with
fear, we can learn to develop tolerance and cope up with uncertainty
and have a normal way of life. However, we seem to worry a
lot about other things (like politics, career), but we are
MUCH too busy to even think about the facts of life of our
children. We are too busy to reach out to one another, to
sit down and talk to our children and tell them that we care
and love them. It seems that we don’t have the time to communicate
with our children because we have many of them going astray.
When we try to communicate with our children, too often we
forget to listen to them. We do not talk with affection, but
we talk with anger. We are often evaluating, judging, criticizing,
moralizing, admonishing and commanding our children. Unfortunately,
we are often so eager to get our own point across that we
don't pay enough attention to their thoughts and feelings.
We do not seek first to understand them because we don’t listen
with the intent to understand. We have two ears and one tongue
in order that we listen more and speak less. But it seems
that we have one ear and two tongues because we speak more
and listen less. We should usually learn a lot while we are
listening, but we have learned nothing because we have been
only talking all the time. In words and deeds our time with
our children is very valuable because they need to be heard.
Listening carefully helps a lot to better understand what
our children really want to know as well as what they already
understand. Listening to our children is critically important
to establishing clear open communication because they need
to know that we are really listening to them. Listening can
be one of the easiest and yet most profound things we can
do as parents and it is an essential cornerstone to any future
relationship with our children. Thus, we need to make our
children learn the facts of life, allow them to exercise their
right to be moral beings, teach them patience and diligence
and encourage them to be realistic and honest in their judgment.
There are a lot
of sensitive topics and issues (sex, HIV/AIDS, violence, drugs
and alcohol) we need to sit and discuss with our children.
Sex is one of the most important topics we need to communicate
with our children. Talking to our children about love, intimacy,
and sex is an important part of good parenting. Parents can
be very helpful by creating a comfortable atmosphere in which
to talk to their children about these issues. It is important
that we have an open relationship and our children can ask
us about sex. One of the rules of thumb about discussions
of this sort with children is to be sure to answer all their
questions. The key to talking to children about sensitive
issues such as sex first of all understands what we ourselves
think and how we feel about what our children know and hear
from others. Second, we need to understand what our children
already understand and how they have interpreted it. Third,
we need to understand their developmental capability in order
to give them just enough information to expand their thinking
without losing their interest or attention. Fourth, we need
to put our facts together and have a good understanding about
sex. Often parents have a lot of conflicted feelings on the
subject. It is important to identify our own feelings so we
can clearly distinguish when we are discussing our feelings
and when we are discussing facts when talking to our children.
It is essential to be careful not to give them the wrong impression
or signal.
Raising children
is probably the most gratifying job any of us will ever have
and it is one of the toughest jobs a parent encounters in
life. In large part, it is because times have changed and
have become complicated. We live in an increasingly complex
world that challenges us everyday with a wide range of disturbing
and sensitive issues that are difficult for children to understand
and for adults to explain. That is why many parents avoid
or postpone the discussion about sex and sexuality. Most Eritrean
men fear talking about emotions because they feel that it
is a taboo and think that it reduces their male image. Eritrean
women also do not talk about sex because they think that it
is unethical or immoral, or they may even lack confidence
about themselves with regard to sex. Both parents in most
Eritrean households have great difficulties talking about
sex with their children because the parents themselves have
difficulties talking about their sexual relationships with
their spouses. Thus, if we cannot openly talk about sex with
our own spouses, how do we expect to communicate with our
sons and daughters about sex and sexuality and other sensitive
issues? If we feel uncomfortable talking about sex and relationships
with our young children, we are not alone. Many parents of
other cultures also feel awkward and uneasy to talk about
sex. But, for our children's sake, we need to try to overcome
our nervousness and have a good orientation about the subject
and bring up the issue for discussion with our children.
Talking about
sex may be uncomfortable for both parents and children. As
parents we should respond to the needs and curiosity level
of our individual child. Our children have different levels
of curiosity and understanding depending upon their age and
level of maturity. As children grow older, they would often
like to ask their parents for more details about sex. Our
children have their own words or unique language to explain
for body parts. It is important to find out words they know
and are comfortable with to make talking with them easier.
Our children need input and guidance from us to help them
make healthy and appropriate decisions regarding their sexual
behavior since they can be confused and over stimulated by
what they see and hear from their peers, or from a perfect
stranger. Our children are already hearing about sex from
TV, movies, commercial magazines and school friends, and that
information may not include the values that we want our children
to have. Information about sex obtained by our children from
the Internet or other sources can often be inaccurate and/or
inappropriate. Getting moral advice from a clergyman and sex
orientation from a pediatrician, family physician, or other
health professionals can be helpful, but it cannot be as adequate
and affectionate as the advice received from parents. If we
don't talk to our children early and often and answer their
questions, they can get their facts from someone else and
obviously we can miss an important opportunity to offer our
children information that is not only accurate, but also loaded
with our own cultural values and moral principles. We need
to understand that parents are always the first and most essential
teachers for their children. Our parental advice and constant
enforcement for positive interaction and gentle consistent
corrections when needed help our children develop a strong
sense of self that help them carry more comfortably forward
into adulthood.
It is important
for parents and children to talk about the responsibilities
and consequences that come from being sexually active. Pregnancy,
sexually transmitted venereal diseases, and feelings about
sex are important issues to be discussed between parents and
children. Our teenagers may need some help dealing with the
intensity of their own sexual feelings, confusion regarding
their sexual identity and sexual behavior in a relationship.
Some teenagers also struggle with conflicts around their family,
religious or cultural values. Open communication and accurate
information from parents increases the chance that teenagers
will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of safe
sex and birth control once they begin. We need to create an
open environment for our children to feel comfortable enough
to come to us with any questions and concerns that can give
us the opportunity to give them guidance. Talking to our children
can help them make the decisions that are best for them without
feeling pressured to do something before they are ready. Helping
children understand that these are decisions that require
maturity and responsibility will increase the chance that
they make good choices. As concerned and loving parents, it
is our responsibility to make our children understand the
objective realities of sex and help them to make appropriate
decisions.
I am well aware
that many of us do not have the ability to communicate, some
of us have serious language barriers and others have short
of listening skills. However, when we are talking to our children,
it is important to try to talk to them with intimacy, love,
and kindness to the best of our ability. As Mother Teresa
said, “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their
echoes are truly endless.” The same thing holds true that
we can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. As it
has also been said, "Nothing lowers the level of conversation
more than raising the voice" and showing anger and disappointment.
Our actions, behaviors and attitudes are the reflections of
what we think about our children. To speak well is to think
and mean well about them. It is up to us then to speak to
our children with sparkling smile, with sincerity and with
substance. It is not how much (quantity) we say but what and
how (quality) we say things that determine our relationship
with our children. We should all know from our experiences
that how a person is told often is as important as what the
person is told. In addition, the real communication is not
only to say the right thing at the right time and place, but
to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the very tempting moment.
We need to know and understand what to say, when to say and
how to say things to our children. The greatest gift we can
give our children is our "quality time" in which we can have
the opportunity to hear our children's thoughts and feelings.
Intimacy, touching and communicating all take time and make
a difference in our relationships. We can establish special
times with our children, for example, telling a story at bed
time, by going out for a special lunch or dinner at a restaurant
the children have chosen, going to a soccer game together,
watching cultural shows and music, or taking our children
to church or mosque, a museum or park. We need to leave behind
some memorable moments to be cherished by our children in
their lives. It is important to remember that the ultimate
measure of our personality and integrity as good parents and
rational human beings is the way we prepare and raise our
children to be Eritreans at heart. Our own scholars and professional
elites should have the initiative and commitment to make a
difference in our communities by playing an important role
in this endeavor.
As matured and civilized
people, if you have sensible comments to make about my short
article, my email is tgebrem@wvu.edu. It is also noble to share
your perspective to your fellow Eritreans by sending your responses
to the web sites. Thank you and God bless us all!
Dr.Tesfa Gebremedhin,
who is solely responsible for the contents of this page, contributes
the above article. For any comments, the writer can be contacted
by e-mail: tgebrem@wvu.edu