Asghedom Tzeggay-Tefery,
Québec- Canada, 30 March 2005
Don't try to look more beautiful, be yourself!
It has been quite a while since I had
wanted to share this opinion but several times I had postponed
it because I felt it was not the right time. I hope the timing
is right and the content useful.
Whenever I am invited to functions, receptions or commemorations
I like to be presentable. Like you or anyone else who respects
oneself, I prefer to know about the etiquette in place and
dress accordingly. Anytime I receive and accept invitations
to someone's party or wedding, I remind myself that I am being
invited because someone gives importance, out of respect,
to my presence. It is therefore, more appropriate for me to
give weight to the respect shown towards me. This could be
acknowledged or reciprocated in the simplest way possible.
By respecting our traditional decorum or dressing appropriately
for the occasion. Meaning dressing well, decently and reasonably.
A way of living handed over to us from our forefathers, from
generations to generations.
Well that beckons some question in-order
to see if the meaning of dressing well is the same for everyone.
So, how do you really dress? You don't know. You like to be
dressy. Or you like to show it all therefore you overdress.
I had expected such an answer before my asking. Either way,
remember that you commit a very big sin that people won't
let you know! What makes me believe so you may wonder? If
you do, it is maybe because you have not paid enough attention
to how culture-less we look and worse, how successfully we
have transmitted this failure to our children. I am speaking
about reason and decency.
Our parents have manners and regardless
how poor or wealthy they may be they always have at least
one clean dress (traditional or foreign influence) that they'll
wear if they were to take part in ceremonies, invitations
etc. Most of our mothers may own several costumes and very
basic earrings, rings and chains. Could be of gold or silver.
When they accept an invitation, most probably what they would
worry about is mostly managing to get an appointment with
their hairdressers or Qonenti. For the rest they tend to keep
it as sober as possible. Contrarily we observe that most of
our community members in Diaspora feel the unnecessary urge
to go on a shopping spree, whenever they get invited be it
to a wedding reception or to a simple picnic outings!
What is important about our parents
is that they tended to put the accent on how to show due respect
towards the one who invites them. Outshining anybody, be it
the host or the other guests they might meet, seemingly never
crossed their mind. In the Diaspora we seem to neglect the
intrinsic values of the former while paying more attention
to the latter.
Knowing how to dress is quite pleasant.
Some say that tastes are not to be discussed. I beg to differ
when it comes to dress protocol. I believe that one either
has a taste or simply doesn't have it. Though it sounds subjective
and maybe traditionalist to some; I am sure that my statement
befits any occasion, culture and time.
Here are some situations:
-
Let`s speak about
wedding receptions. Traditionally and still practiced in
Diaspora, family members close friends and neighbors bring
their help during the preparation days. But when it is time
to celebrate, no matter how modest, all get clean and dressed.
They dress keeping in mind that they do it in respect of
those who invited them. The most important excuse.
-
If you are invited
to someone's place, remember you owe respect to the person
or family who invite you. If not you will realize how easy
it is, without wanting it, to be perceived as showing disrespect.
Not by what you'd say but simply by how you dress or you
don't dress. First impressions are imprinted by what we
perceive. You can't afford to have a suite or dress. Learn
from your ancestors to buy and keep one for certain occasions.
But if you are one who can afford then, your objective mustn't
be to outshine. Therefore, always compare yourself to the
capacity of your entourage and dress decently. An invitation
is not an occasion for vanity. It is supposed to be time
to meet with friends who have consideration for you. It
is much healthier to think in such terms. Avoid imitating
«stars or actors» from Hollywood.
- If you invite friends remember to
not intimidate your guests, especially the ones who are not
well to-do. Receive your visitors properly dressed. Let yourself
be happily impressed or let your invitation be an opportunity
to let your guests impress each other. If they do then one
thing is certain; they respect your invitation.
- Another occasion is the inescapable
part and parcel part of life, death and mourning. My emphasis
here is mainly aimed to what I have observed among our women.
In such circumstances we go to share the grief and comfort
friends. Consequently, the thing we mustn't bother bothering
about is which bijoux or what perfume to wear! Our ancestors
knew that such moments are reminders of our destiny not vanity.
Thereby calling for humility, soberness and modesty. Our men
should remember to take off their baseball hats!
Now, how do we behave? Well, here are
some of my observations. Generally speaking we seem that we
had been raised in a society where manners don't exist (if such
society exists), when it comes to formality. If we seem to know,
most of us show it by over decorating as if we were Christmas
trees. There too, still we don't know how to dress! We also
dress without paying attention to the season or time of the
day. Whether the occasion is held during the day or night in
winter or summer. Suffice observing the next time you watch
any video or assist to a live wedding, party or any gathering.
One can't tell whether the people we see, in sneakers, baggy
jeans and baseball caps, came straight
from a park after a game or were invited. Normally this group
should not be tolerated and allowed to weddings, commemorations
or festivities! Unfortunately, we seem to respect those who
don't respect invitations. As we do with our meetings, delayed
by perpetually delinquent late comers causing, unnecessary retards.
We seem to never start on time our scheduled business. From
our attitudes it is apparent such people have successfully imposed
it and labeled it as an Eritrean culture. No! It is neither
an Eritrean tradition nor culture! But that is another topic,
for later. Let's go back to our topic.
Eyes enjoy beauty they say. When people
invite it is obvious and normal to consider that they would
expect their guests to dress properly. I think that in our generation
something must have gone wrong in-order for us to find the courage
to accept mediocrity as acceptable. We can't blame our children.
Even with them, though we may assume that our youth may have
pressure to dress as their peers, parents must exercise their
right to expect the right etiquette, during the early years
of their children. If we see our child behave differently from
what we expect from him/her it is maybe because we, parents
in the Diaspora, have stopped being parents when we failed to
transmit our good manners, in this case dressing decently, to
our children. At times it is quite disturbing to see parents
behaving and dressing worse than their teenagers!
I always wonder why a man, in three pieces
suite, would find the urge to suspend around the neck a bling-bling,
in addition to keeping the manufacturer's crest, stitched on
the arm of the expensive coat. Take it off! I believe you have
paid your hard-earned money to buy the suite or dress but not
to promote the manufacturer's emblem. I don't even understand
why some of our men and boys value pimps? behavior! By the same
token I have never understood why some among our women or girls
dress as if they are heading to the beach. It beats
me! The lack of the ability to discriminate is possibly the
culprit. If one doesn't know one can learn by observing from
neighbours. The capacity to observe and learn helps to discriminate
and make one's conscious choice. If one doesn't develop it then
it is not difficult to conclude that either one has a taste
or not!
I wonder why a person, especially some
men, like to wear overly and indiscriminately ornaments such
as rings, chains made of gold, silver with precious or fake
stones or merely plain glass or any thing regardless whether
it is real or fake as long as it is bling-bling! At times the
sight becomes quite offensive to the eyes. These blings-blings
are worn all over; around the necks, chests, arms and fingers.
In front of such a sight I can't help thinking that the creator
must have failed to supply those individuals with more fingers,
necks or simply doubles of those parts of the body where they
usually display their collections. Such displays, most of the
time fake, don't impress at all. I miss the point. Call me paranoiac
but as a black man I hate chains and shackles!
The other point is seeing parents paying
big money to dress their children with clown suite. The worst
part is that parents buy what I can best describe that such
products have been made from rest-over fabrics. Apparently,
when one is an indiscriminate consumer one just swallow, whatever
is promoted. Such items are being promoted in different manners.
The most successful promotion is by associating to music, Rap
or hip-hop music. Definitely that should tell
that the product promoted is obviously being destined to the
ones who have no taste. They don't know why they do it. It is
just a monkey see a monkey does affair!
And parents complacently pay out without exercising their parental
guidance or authority to compare and evaluate.
Above all, I wonder why any Eritrean, regardless of the hyphenations
and gender, would behave as a culture-less! An Eritrean has
no right to behave like a bum because he or she has the duty
to acquire manners. A nation like ours has a lot to offer. For
that reason we all must know or learn our decorum. The least
we could do is pick-up the good manners of the society we have
adopted. Good manner is not Eritrean, by exclusivity.
Now that you know, next time you will be
invited to participate in a commemoration or a celebration remember
to respect decorum. In other words to dress decently and reasonably
is an expression of our mastery of good manners that enable us
to make judicious decisions!